When I started this blog, I knew that despite my best efforts I would forget to update, and so it comes as no surprise that it's been three weeks since my last post. It has been, in fact, a very interesting three weeks, so I need to just take a moment to figure out what to talk about first. The frustration of living at home and having no privacy? The lack of money? The pro-wrestler I started dating two weeks ago?
Yes, I said pro-wrestler. As in tights, screaming into a microphone, staged fights PRO-FUCKING-WRESTLER. Finally, a man who is not only bigger than me, but can, in fact, pick me up and toss me across a room without batting an eye. I'd swoon, but I left my whalebone corset and smelling salts back in 1885.
Honestly though, he's pretty awesome. Definitely different from the type of person I usually date. For one, he's an adult, 8 years my senior and happy in a steady, very well paying job in IT. Secondly he's not rail thin and riddled with emotional issues like a soda can on a redneck's fence. For another, despite what you might think when I say "pro-wrestler," he is a kind, charming, and brilliant human being. The brilliance can be proved by the fact that he is a bona fide member of MENSA, the kind and charming you'll just have to take at my word. Of course, it's very likely I may be laughing to hard to tell you, because he's also hilariously funny.
Not everything is wine and roses, however. He does, like every other human being, have his downsides. For one, he's a divorcee, with two daughters of his own. Although they don't live with him, it has been a new experience for me to negotiate dating someone with that much life experience under their belt. I sometimes feel so immature compared to him, but only in a strange sort of way. Obviously I am glad I never had children, but since it's a part of his life that I don't really understand, but takes up so much of his time, I wonder how much we can really share with each other. Also, he snores like a drunken bull moose.
It's been strange trying to do the dating dance while living at home. I don't really have a place of my own to bring him, and driving out to Sacramento all the time to go to his place is fine, but I miss being able to be in my own comfort zone. After having lived alone for so long, and being so used to defining my own hours, food, and when and where in my house I have sex, having to let someone else dictate those things is incredibly frustrating. I am overwhelmingly thankful to my folks for letting me stay with them while I am broke and in debt, but the trade-off is hard.
I've also been missing New York a lot in the last few weeks. Coming back to a small town after the excitement and drama of the capital of the world is just... heartbreaking. I really wasn't ready to leave New York yet. I feel like I had so much still to do there... but now I just have to dial everything down to living at home in Davis and drinking my pain away with the townies.
Wow... now I'm fucking depressed. I'm gonna go see what the townies are doing.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
California Dreamin'
Well, I'm back home, safe in the land of bicycles and cow poop. As I have attempted to explain to many people over the years, cow poop is a very nostalgic smell for those of us from the Central Valley-- that, combined with freshly cut alfalfa, is the smell of home. Perhaps not the most poetic of perfumes, but it's true nonetheless.
I've been home for about a week now, but I still feel as if I am only visiting, and will be returning to New York soon. I'm waiting for the day when I realize that I no longer live on the East Coast; it will most assuredly be an interesting day. Honestly it hasn't really felt like a vacation, I get up at 8 everyday and job hunt for most of the morning. I have been trying to be extra careful to keep my room clean and not to trigger any of my mother's OCD about the house, which has only gotten worse since she retired. So far, I have been doing pretty well, although it is hard not to fall back into old habits.
Speaking of old habits, I did fall back into a particular one since I've returned, not realizing that with how much things have changed in the last year it wasn't the best idea. Although last year my slightly-more-than-friends relationship with a certain boy was actually quite healthy for me mentally, I am realizing that at this moment in my life I am too emotionally vulnerable to be able to participate equally in this exchange. To put it simply, I am getting emotionally attached to someone that I don't want to be attached to, particularly since he is also uninterested in a real relationship. So, I need to make some adjustments in our friendship, which are probably going to frustrate the hell out of both of us, but do me (and maybe him) a lot of good in the long run. I am not the same person I was even 10 months ago-- not only am I more confident in myself, but I am also more aware of my own shortcomings and tendencies, especially when it comes to relationships. I suppose the older we get the more we learn what is bad for us, and those of us willing to learn from that move on to better and more healthy habits. Of course, there are always those who never learn... and that is how we get all the crazies with too many babies. Heh. Condescension for the win.
Job hunting is turning out even more frustrating than originally anticipated. After trying to do this myself for a few days, I have decided to hire a head-hunter to help me find a position. I would love to work in something that uses my abilities in Japanese, but at this point I just need a job, and if they can find me something to do for awhile until I find a career position, I will snatch it up. I am planning on applying for a position as an assistant professor of Japanese History at Stanford starting in the 2010 school year, but we will have to see if they will accept someone with just an MA or someone on the track to a PhD. Here's hoping. I have a fantasy of this working out, and of being at 27 year old professor at Stanford... very possibly a pipe dream but lovely nonetheless. Yet, if I keep my expectations high, perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised when they are fulfilled.
I've been home for about a week now, but I still feel as if I am only visiting, and will be returning to New York soon. I'm waiting for the day when I realize that I no longer live on the East Coast; it will most assuredly be an interesting day. Honestly it hasn't really felt like a vacation, I get up at 8 everyday and job hunt for most of the morning. I have been trying to be extra careful to keep my room clean and not to trigger any of my mother's OCD about the house, which has only gotten worse since she retired. So far, I have been doing pretty well, although it is hard not to fall back into old habits.
Speaking of old habits, I did fall back into a particular one since I've returned, not realizing that with how much things have changed in the last year it wasn't the best idea. Although last year my slightly-more-than-friends relationship with a certain boy was actually quite healthy for me mentally, I am realizing that at this moment in my life I am too emotionally vulnerable to be able to participate equally in this exchange. To put it simply, I am getting emotionally attached to someone that I don't want to be attached to, particularly since he is also uninterested in a real relationship. So, I need to make some adjustments in our friendship, which are probably going to frustrate the hell out of both of us, but do me (and maybe him) a lot of good in the long run. I am not the same person I was even 10 months ago-- not only am I more confident in myself, but I am also more aware of my own shortcomings and tendencies, especially when it comes to relationships. I suppose the older we get the more we learn what is bad for us, and those of us willing to learn from that move on to better and more healthy habits. Of course, there are always those who never learn... and that is how we get all the crazies with too many babies. Heh. Condescension for the win.
Job hunting is turning out even more frustrating than originally anticipated. After trying to do this myself for a few days, I have decided to hire a head-hunter to help me find a position. I would love to work in something that uses my abilities in Japanese, but at this point I just need a job, and if they can find me something to do for awhile until I find a career position, I will snatch it up. I am planning on applying for a position as an assistant professor of Japanese History at Stanford starting in the 2010 school year, but we will have to see if they will accept someone with just an MA or someone on the track to a PhD. Here's hoping. I have a fantasy of this working out, and of being at 27 year old professor at Stanford... very possibly a pipe dream but lovely nonetheless. Yet, if I keep my expectations high, perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised when they are fulfilled.
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