This week has been very difficult for me. The issues that I discussed in my last post, i.e. dealing with dating while living at home, not being happy in Davis, etc., developed into my making the decision to end my budding relationship. I know it seems premature, however, looking down the line into our future, I could see issues cropping up. For one, my desire to move away from the central valley and out into the Bay Area, either for work or school. I simply cannot settle for a place like Davis or Sacramento, not after having experienced New York City and Tokyo. So, it basically came down to this-- do I let yet another relationship end due to my moving away, and get my heart broken again, or do I admit defeat and end things now before we are both too involved? As sad as it may be, I went for the latter. I simply can't stand the idea of yet another relationship being cut off due to my dedication to my career. Also, I could hardly give him the attention and dedication that he both needs and deserves. In a sort of "woulda coulda shoulda" moment, I realize now that I never should have started a relationship in the first place; at least, not until I have my life more under control, financially and geographically.
Honestly, I think I need to analyze my life emotionally as well. There are many things that I know that I do in relationships that are damaging to myself. For one, I tend to mold myself into whoever my partner wants me to be. Some of this might come from my own distrust of emotion-- I think I tend to trust lust more than love. I'm always sort of surprised when people find me physically attractive, and I think I tend to over-respond to that. Perhaps this stems from my own lack of confidence in my looks, but it's getting better. At least I know these things about myself, and can therefore analyze how I'm behaving based on my own knowledge of my flaws.
Secondly, I need to understand fully my relationship with P. Once again, I think this is an unwillingness to give up a possible sex partner. He is my most consistent partner-- I've slept with him more consistently than anyone else in the last 14 months; and frankly, anyone else who was not a boyfriend. Despite my desire to *not* find him attractive, to make him *just* my (really irritating) friend, I seem to be somehow incapable of turning him down. He annoys the living daylights out of me, but my physical reaction to him is so strong, it often overwhelms my good sense. Of course, his reaction to this is to tell me that I'm the one in control, not him, and that it is *me* who keeps making these decisions. He's right, of course. I just need to learn how to NOT make that decision.
I'm not really sure how to change my behavioral patterns. Sometimes I feel like I need a stable relationship, but that is not possible right now. Other times I feel like maybe I should just be alone again, but that is also difficult. So what do I do? Be single for another two years, only having fleeting sexual relationships with no emotion? Stop having sex until I am emotionally involved? I'd almost have to laugh at that one. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very sexual... it's not easy for me to be celibate for any long length of time. Yet, perhaps that is *exactly* what I need. To step back and analyze my approaches before I enter into any kind of relationship, emotional or sexual, with anyone.
Who knows.
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